I had trouble sleeping last night, and 3am on found me wide awake. My mind was running too fast to slow down, and I picked up my phone and checked my calendar and checked my newsfeed and thought of so much hard that’s happening all around us that prayers came quick.
I thought of my babies dreaming, tucked in asleep, and I watched my husband, peaceful resting beside me. I memorized his lips and the curve of his face still so strong and handsome.
I pulled my comforter up close, and I thought about all the good I’ve been given, and I begged for it to stay just this way — forever.
Then I realized — it should not. It cannot.
By God’s grace, He protected us from the fruit of that tree in the garden at the beginning.
Because — all this heartache and sickness and war and threats of it. Even with all the good I want to protect and hold so close for always, I still lose sleep wondering how I can protect and hold it all so close. In the midst of all this ugly, how can I keep all my beautiful??
And then it comes to me quick.
Release.
Exhale and release. To Him who is able to do immeasurably more.
After all, none of this I have and hold so dear is even really mine in the first place. As if I could’ve made the birds to sing or sun to set or little chests rise and fall with every breath.
And I remember Who did. Can I trust Him? Do I?
And I see a glimmer of a light in that early morning darkness. For He knows the plans He has for me. Every. Single. Day.
No matter the decisions of yesterday, no matter what tomorrow holds. He is my promise, my rescue and my reward. Jesus.
And I imagine His face. And all I can see are eyes so bright and deep, like the purest love poured out and pooled up. Enough to splash around and play in like a child. His child.
And I say thank you so many times. And I set my heart and mind on things above, where no sorrows of this world could touch. Ever. And my heart knows that place is my desire; stitched into our hearts from the very beginning — something even greater than the best this world has to offer — even when it can be oh so good.
To live and be with Almighty God, my Heavenly Father. He is who wants the best for me, just as I want for my own children. His unending favor, presence and delight. He is who preserves my Spirit and keeps me afloat.
And that is what I know I should want to be my forever. And a peace that passes understanding cradles me, and I feel safe. And I want Him more than I want sleep, and I want to share Him with my husband and my babies and this world as they rise.
Sometimes God wakes us up, and He wakes us up. And i am grateful. He is so very good.
Love,
Mommy
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16-21
Friends, we are called to seize the day. Let us not waste our time here worrying or wondering what tomorrow will hold when we know Who holds tomorrow. Close your eyes and picture the face of our Prince of Peace, Jesus. He is here to rescue us, every moment of everyday. Let us encourage each other in His love always. Amen.
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